Reports of Vladimir Putin having everything from Parkinson's disease to cancer have been circulating in the media and on the internet for months. Then there are reports that Putin has a double. So, in the interests of truth, justice and journalism, we got on the case. Since we go where the rest of the media fears to tread, we tracked down Putin's double.
NYUUGGEE "Thank you for coming in. What do we call you by the way?"
Vlad 2 "You can call me Vlad 2. It will help me stay in character and don't use my real name. I signed an NDA."
NYUUGGEE "You're wearing a mask so you're face is partially covered but if you don't mind us saying you don't particularly look like Vladimir Putin."
Vlad 2 "Of course I let my hair grow back and I put the weight back on and stopped the anabolic steroids, so I no longer look like him. The mask is for the Co-vid and the Monkey pox. You can't be too careful in this world, as I've learned."
NYUUGGEE "How did you get this job?"
Vlad 2 "My agent called me."
NYUUGGEE "Agent?"
Vlad 2 "Yes I'm an actor and this was the role of a lifetime. So I had my head shaved and I worked out for weeks and took the anabolic steroids and damn if I didn't look just like him."
NYUUGGEE "So the reports of Putin having a double are true?"
Vlad 2 "Oh yes and not just a double but there were three of us. Vlad 1, he is the guy with Parkinson's. Vlad 3 had the cancer. Vlad himself, he's healthy as a horse."
NYUUGGEE "Wow, so did you interact with the world's leaders?"
Vlad 2 "Yes sometimes. Sometimes it was Vlad 1 or Vlad 3. No one meets with the real Vlad anymore. The real Vlad said the world's leaders are all a bunch of silly actors or just plain dumb asses. The only one I met was Boris Johnson. At first I thought Boris Johnson was just drunk but then I realized he had to be high on something too. If I had to guess I'd say Mollies."
NYUUGGEE "Do you speak Russian? Do you and Putin have similar voices?"
Vlad 2 "No, no. Most of the time you just walk out and pose for pictures. If you actually meet someone like Boris Johnson, the Interpreter is with you and you just nod your head. Then the Interpreter speaks to you in Russian and then you just whisper in the Interpreter's ear. Then he gives the answer. Besides that Boris guy was high, I could have said anything. And, Vlad 3 met with Biden and he said Biden was out to lunch. He even spoke to Biden in Russian and English. Said Biden had no idea what he'd said. Said Biden just asked where he could get an ice cream cone. Hey they didn't like Vlad 3 speaking but under the circumstances, it didn't really matter."
NYUUGGEE "So how come you're back in the States?"
Vlad 2 "Oh someone noticed that our ears are a different size. So I was on the next plane back to Newark. That's where I'm from Jersey, Metuchen to be exact. I heard they brought in two other guys."
NYUUGGEE "Two?"
Vlad 2 "Yeah I heard the cancer got Vlad 3. That was one story. The other was one of Putin's Mistresses mistook Vlad 3 for Putin. But that could just be a story. You know how people make stuff up and gossip."
NYUUGGEE "Do we ever. But now that this is all over, do you go back to acting?"
Vlad 2 "Yeah and what really sucks is I played the hell out of that role. But I can't use it. I signed that NDA. And, besides, no one will believe me. So, it's like I spent a year on Broadway but I was in a clown costume or I was a tree that talked and I wasn't even listed in the credits. What a waste. And, they don't even pay that much. Just a bunch of Rubles which by the time you get done converting them to dollars, you're left with maybe a month's rent."
NYUUGGEE "Well that was a hell of an experience. Maybe someday they'll make a movie out of it and you can play yourself."
Vlad 2 "Yeah, yeah and of course I'll be playing Putin too! Sort of like Eddie Murphy did in the Nutty Professor movies and Tom Hardy did in 'Legend'. Yeah yeah! Thank you! Thank you! You've put a whole new perspective on this."
NYUUGGEE "That's why we're here."
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