Sunday, January 26, 2020

The Democrat Nominee

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Discussion around here among the staff has centered around who the eventual Democrat nominee will be.  Some still hold out hope for Old Dirty Grandpa Joe Biden, others like Bernie “Old Brains”, Sanders and few others lean towards Elizabeth Cherokee Warren.  And, that took us to wondering if the American people were ready for an Indian as President.  Or to be politically correct, a Native American as President.

Some said yes, as over the decades The Cognoscenti of the Known World devoutly believed things like, no divorced man could ever be elected President.  Not true as Ronald Reagan was divorced and so is you know who and twice by the way.  Then in their common wisdom they all believed no black man or African American whichever you prefer, could ever be elected President.  Not true, as Barrack Obama got elected.  And, then of course no Jewish person could get elected an none has but then Joe Lieberman ran as Algore’s Vice President.  And, they actually won the popular vote.  So, if the country was ready for a Jewish Vice-President, we can safely assume they country would accept a Jewish President.  As we all know the Vice President is only a heartbeat away.  So, most of us agreed that the country would vote for an Indian or Native American whichever you prefer, but then the question was would the American people vote for a Cherokee?  And, we sort of got stuck there.

The discussion then turned to other Native American tribes like the Iroquois, the Cheyenne, the Sioux and everyone seemed to focus on the Apache or the Comanche.  Finally, we decided on the Comanche.  Why?  Because we believe in a strong Commander in Chief, (no pun intended) and the Comanche never got kicked out of anywhere like the Cherokee in Tennessee.  In fact, the Comanche don’t even call themselves Comanche.  They call themselves the Numunuh.  It’s the people who they fought, who they scared the hell out of, that called them Comanche.  Hell, even John Wayne was afraid of the Comanche.  Some people who review ‘The Searchers’ say John Wayne is a racist in that movie.  But if you watch that movie paying a little more attention to detail than those critics, you’ll see that The Duke has nothing against Indians.  He even likes the Kiowas and the other tribes, it’s just those Comanche that turn his eyes into slits and make his blood run cold.

So, in an attempt to get her campaign back on track, we’ve all decided from now on to refer to her as Elizabeth Comanche Warren. 

We implore all of you to do the same.  Let’s get this party started right!

By the way the term “Old Brains” was not meant as a slight towards Bernie Sanders and anyone taking it as such, should be ashamed of themselves.  This is a nickname borrowed from Henry Halleck who was The General in Chief (again no pun intended) of the Union Army during the Civil War and we think it kind of applies here.

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Monday, January 20, 2020

The Houston Astros Stealing Signs OMG!

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Imagine if you will that it is August 1998 or 1999 or some year around then.  It’s Yankee Stadium.  It is the top of the 9th inning and the Yankees have a one run lead.  You are the lead off hitter.  The only bad part of this scenario is, you’re wearing a Red Sox uniform but cheer up.  You’re twenty-five years old and you’re having a pretty good year hitting .282.  On the mound, as the Yankees want to hold onto that lead is Mariano Rivera.  The guy who will be the first player to be elected to the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility with his name on every ballot.  Now guess what he is going to throw you?  For those of you who aren’t baseball fans that means what pitch will you get?  Just in case you don’t follow the game too much, Mariano Rivera is going to throw you a cut fastball. 

How do we know that?  Did we steal the sign?  Not hardly.  We know that because that’s what Mariano threw like 99% of the time.  Mariano did have a rising fastball and a sinking fastball but he’d throw those pitches like only once in a blue moon.  The rest of the time like 99% of the time, it was that cut fastball.  So, if you didn’t see that cutter on the first, pitch you’d see it on the second, the third and if you were still at home plate and not headed back to the dugout, you’d see that on the fourth and the fifth pitch too.  Then you’d be headed back to the dugout.

In fact, from 1995 through 2013 that’s nineteen seasons through thousands and thousands of at bats major league hitters walked up to home plate to face Mariano Rivera and they all knew what was coming.  And it didn’t help them much.  That’s why Mariano Rivera amassed 652 saves, a record that will most probably never be broken and had a lifetime ERA of 2.21.  If you don’t follow baseball those numbers mean batters didn’t hit him too much, even though they all knew what pitch was coming 99% of the time.

Which brings us to this latest scandal of sign stealing by the Houston Astros.  There is much gnashing of teeth, calls for people to be banned for life, people have actually been fired and there are even some who want to take down the Astros only World Series title.  There is blood in the water.  It seems we can’t have a reasonable discussion about anything, anymore.  Everything, seems like a WWE match.  That’s the World Wrestling Entertainment or Professional Wrestling, with people throwing chairs, pulling hair and fake blood everywhere. 

Everyone needs to take a deep breath.  Stealing signs is part of the game.  Everyone does it.  Pitchers tip pitches or give away what pitch they will throw as they get ready to throw that pitch.  Coaches pick that up and signal the hitters.  Base runners who reach second base can steal signs from the catcher and signal the hitter. Now some hitters in fact, a lot of hitters, don’t even want to know what’s coming.  When, you’re young and your reflexes are great, you just read the pitch and react.  You don’t want to be thinking too much up there.  You don’t need too either.  Or as Yogi once said.  “You can’t think and hit at the same time.”

Now using a TV monitor to steal signs like the Astros did is definitely cheating.  I mean it’s going way too far.  But it’s a misdemeanor not a felony.  A simple solution is to do what the NFL does.  The Offensive Coordinator has a dedicated phone line to the Quarterback.  The Offensive Coordinator calls the play over that line.  You see these guys every game with the play card over their mouth, so no one can even read their lips.  But no one else can hear the call.  No signs needed.  Just do the same thing with both the pitcher and the catcher having an ear piece like an NFL Quarterback has and the pitching coach calls the pitches.  The pitching coach doesn’t have much to do anyway.  This will make him happy.

And, calm down everybody.  The fix was not in.  As we’ve pointed out just knowing watch pitch is coming doesn’t necessarily help much.  It certainly doesn’t guarantee you’ll get a hit. 

Pitchers and Catchers report in a few weeks.  The sun will be shinning in Florida and Arizona.  Spring, eternal spring, will arrive again and we’ll all be young again because it will be time to… 

“Play Ball!” 

Enjoy it.

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Thursday, January 9, 2020

Meghan and Harry, Oh No, Say It Isn't So

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Meghan Markle and Harry will no longer be “Senior Royals”!  They made this announcement earlier this week.  We haven’t written a word about it up till now because, well because even though it is earth shattering news, we’re unable to figure out…  What does this mean?

We know they will still be the “Duchesse and Duke of Sussex” thank God.  But they say they intend to work and make their own money!  Does this mean like having jobs?  Actually jobs?  Are they giving up the Castle, the servants, the nannies, the cars? Oh no, say it isn’t so! 

Will Meghan go back to acting?  We think she’d be great on one of the many new shows like The FBI’s Most Wanted or even one of the old shows like one of the many NCIS ones.  She could be added to the cast as a former MI6 Agent who fell in love with the wrong guy and she had to be sent to America where she was actually born.  Her parents posed as British diplomats but they were really MI6 agents too.  There could be a whole lot of back stories here.  We don’t see her on Survivor though.  She’s too skinny and won’t last too long.  Or any of The Real Housewives Of…  because she’s actually married.  But Big Brother is a possibility.  Oh wait, how about The View?  We think Meghan will be great almost anywhere.  But what is Harry going to do?  Who’s going to hire the guy?  How do you tell the Duke of Sussex that he needs to have that report on your desk, first thing Monday morning?

But if anyone out there knows what this all means, please, no puhleeze! Let us know.

BTW they are calling the Meghan and Harry thing MEGXIT over there on the other side of the pond.  Sort of like Brexit.  Poor Harry’s not even in the title.  On this side of the pond J-lo always gets top billing when marrying or dating someone.  But at least Alex Rodriguez gets a piece of his name in there.  They are known, as J-rod now.  But poor Harry gets nothing, not even a few letters or even one letter of his name.  Oh no, say it isn’t so.  Just say it isn’t so.

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