Sunday, March 29, 2020

Dee, Dee, Dee Dee

Rod Serling on Writing - Go Into The Story

In case anyone wonders what, it has been like in New York City the last few weeks, it’s been like that old black and white TV show, The Twilight Zone.  We just don’t know which episode we’re in.  It seems like one with Aliens.  Maybe the Aliens are living next door or down the street, or they’re all on a hill just outside of town in Scarsdale.  But they’re here.

And, they are going to take over and soon.  They look and speak and dress just like us so we can’t even tell who the aliens are.  In fact, most of us don’t have any idea that they’re even here.  But some of us know.  We’re not sure who that is as yet but they are trying desperately to warn us.  One of those in the know could be our Governor Cuomo The Younger.  Another could be Dr. Fauci, no, probably Dr. Brix.  It’s definitely not Mayor De Blasio.  He doesn’t have a clue.  He never does.  And it’s not Joe Biden.  He might be one of them.  How does this all end?  Will the those in the know be able to warn us in time?  Or will the Aliens eat us?  That’s why they’re here.  We’re dinner.

Or it could be one of those episodes where we are in another dimension.  We wake up in our bed and everything seems fine but then we look around and something is askew.  Then something else doesn’t quite fit and then we realize we’re not at home.  We’re somewhere else but where?  And, how to get back?  We don’t know what to do.  We only know we have to find a lot of toilet paper.  Somehow, that is the key to it all.

Or it could be one those episodes where we find ourselves in an old, idyllic, little town in rural America around 1890.  It’s summer.  The sun is shining bright.  There is a brass band playing.  Kids are running about, playing and laughing.  Young couples are walking, hand and hand.  It’s all just perfect.  There is only one problem, we’re dead.  The train or the plane crashed or we just had enough and checked out on our own but it’s over.  It’s all over.  And somehow, that’s a good thing.

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Sunday, March 22, 2020

Love In The Time of Coronavirus *

Image result for images of love

There are always silver linings to things and in The Time of Coronavirus, we’ve found a big one.  Men are making love to their wives again.  Why you might ask and there are a few reasons.

First off, everyone is staying home from work.  Since most men get a big idea quite a few times a day and they are now stuck at home with their wives… well, you get the picture.

Since men are not at work and can’t be out of the house for long extended periods of time, they can’t see their mistresses, escorts, girlfriends or go to strip clubs either.  Oh yeah, the biggest losers in Love in The Time of Coronavirus are mistresses, escorts, the girlfriends of married guys and strippers.  But no one cares about them.  Unless of course, they have some extra toilet paper on hand.

We’ve also found out that it is okay to call it the Coronavirus.  That it is a politically correct term.  What is not okay is to refer to the Coronavirus as the Wuhan Coronavirus, the Chinese Coronavirus or call it the Kung Flu.  We also can’t imply or infer that it is some foreign kind of a disease, as that would be racist.  We all have to pretend this thing started in Des Moines or just some place no one ever heard of, like Dog Walk Kentucky.  So, while saying Coronavirus was okay all along, we just weren’t sure and it is always better to err on the side of caution.

Now in this Love in The Time of Coronavirus, single people are bleep out luck.  All the bars and the clubs are closed so there is no way to hook up.  We’re sure the online dating stuff is going great guns and texting or even sexting too.  But there is just no way to close the deal.  We could say they’re screwed but then well, they’re not and not even close.

As we said last week, we will keep you updated as things progress.  And, we told you to keep an eye on Tom Hanks and his wife Rita Wilson.  Well after being isolated in a hospital for five days, Tom and Rita are still alive.  They’ve been released from the Hospital and they are still in isolation but they’re not dead, not yet.  So maybe, just maybe, there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

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*With apologies to Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Sunday, March 15, 2020

A Public Service Announcement – The Do’s and Don’ts

In addition to the steps that the Mass Hysteria repeat all day, every day, there are other steps everyone needs to take and they are:

Don’t have sex with strangers.  If you do, try not to kiss.  If you have to kiss don’t use tongue.  If you have to use tongue, wear a condom.

Of course, wash your hands.  Try not to touch the other person’s face or your own.  If you do, wash your hands.  Of course, wear condoms for the usual stuff and take a shower.  And yes, wash your hands.

Of course, we’re not mentioning the name of this thing that you need to take these steps for, as it offends some people from a certain country that starts with the letter C.  Hint, hint, the name of this thing also starts with a C and no, you don’t get a lime with it.

Also, do not buy toilet paper.  It won’t help.

Both Tom Hanks and his wife Rita Wilson have contracted this thing.  Keep your eye on them.  If they live, it means there is light at the end of the tunnel.  If they die, well make sure your affairs are in order.  For those who survive, at least you won’t have to watch him in another bad movie.

We’ve reached the end of the Do’s and Don’ts for now.  We’ll be back with more as this thing evolves and yes, it’s time to wash your hands again.

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Sunday, March 8, 2020

Solving the Problem + - /

Here’s the problem and it’s a math problem.  If you had 500 million dollars and your altruistic soul wanted to share all of that with the American people, how much money could you give each American?  Easy you may say there are 327 million people in the good ole USA so that comes to one dollar and fifty-three cents per American.  But don’t try to tell that to Brian Williams of MSNBC, Mara Gay of The New York Times or Mekita Rivas a sometime writer for the Washington Post because they think, you could give everyone in America a million dollars each with that 500 million.  We kind of like the math of the assorted Talking Heads and The Cognoscenti of the Known World.  We wish they would take us shopping or out to dinner or better still, to a Casino.  They might be out a few K by the end of the evening but they’d think it was only a buck fifty-three.

But this does answer a different problem for us and it’s a math problem too.  We’ve long wondered why the media can’t ever get something like a simple figure right.  Like the war in Iraq has cost either 700 billion or 800 billion or a trillion or two depending on what outlet you are reading.  Or before Obamacare there were 25 million people without health insurance one day then 30 million the next.  Then a week later there were 35 million people without health insurance.  Then two years after implementing Obamacare, all the Talking Heads and The Cognoscenti of the Known World were ecstatic because 14 million people had signed up for health insurance through Obamacare.  Something that never did add up.  Like what happened to the other11, or 16 or 21 million people without health insurance?  Did they all die while waiting?  But now, we know.  There’s no math requirement in the Talking Head job description nor is it required to become one of The Cognoscenti of the Known World.

So, when things don’t quite add up in this world, or subtract properly or well divide evenly, at least now, we all know why.

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Sunday, March 1, 2020

Going On, To Other Things

Image result for images of meghan harry
Image result for images of putin fishing

We were sitting around the office kicking around ideas for our weekly column when Cynthia Caruso our international reporter floated this idea.  She didn’t think Meghan was going to stay with Harry too much longer.  The staff was flabbergasted and we couldn’t help but ask how she could think such a thing.  Cynthia went on to explain that Meghan had been an actress a very successful one too and she had given it up.  And Cynthia explained that Meghan had given up the acting gig, so she could go on to other things.  Then Meghan met and bewitched Harry and became a Royal.  But Meghan was only at the Royal thing for a year and half, when she gave that up too.  Why? Because she wanted go on to other things, like save the planet and the human race along with it.  So sooner or later Cynthia explained Meghan would give up Harry.  Why?  So, she could go on to other things.

Which brings us to the whole Russia, Russia, Russia thing.  Back in 1987 before the collapse of the USSR, the Gross Domestic Product of that evil empire was 2.51 trillion dollars.  The Gross Domestic Product or GDP is what a country is worth, the sum total of their wealth.  In comparison the Gross Domestic Product of the United States of America at that time was 4.87 trillion dollars.  So, the GDP of the USSR was a little more than half of the USA’s.  Then the USSR collapsed.  You might remember this and if you do that’s good.  Because The Cognoscenti of The Known World seem to have forgotten all about it.  But the GDP of Russia today is 1.64 trillion dollars.  As you can see when their evil empire collapsed, the Russia, Russia Russians, lost a few bucks.  The GDP of the good ole USA is now 21.43 trillion dollars and that is 13 times greater than Russia, Russia Russia’s.  In just the last three years while Donald John Trump has been President, the GDP of the US of A has grown by 2.72 trillion dollars.  A whole lot more than the Russians have to begin with.  So, someone might ask why would the Russians want Donald J. Trump to be President?  Obviously so the USA could leave them so far behind that, the Russians could get out of the Super Power business altogether.  Why?  So, they could go on to do other things.  Like maybe, a Green New Deal.

If you stop to think about it maybe being a Super Power isn’t what it’s all crocked up to be.  As a Super Power you have to fund large armies and navies.  And, you have to give foreign aid to crappy little countries all over the globe.  Counties that would never lift a finger for you.  And, at any given moment at least half the world hates your guts.  By contrast nobody hates the island nation of Jamaica.  Everyone just goes there for vacation.  No one hates Brazil either.  People just go there to party.  By the way the GDP of Brazil is 1.87 trillion and that’s more than Russia.  So, you don’t have to go completely broke either.  Maybe there is something to this, going on to other things.

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