Invasion Of The...

When Mitch McConnell began to speak to the Mass Hysteria the other day, he got about 30 seconds into his routine when he froze, like a deer in the headlights.  Lucky for him a car wasn't coming at 50 mph.  But this incident brings certain things to mind.  'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers' an old Sci-fi film from the 1950's, for one.  That's where these Pods from another world come to earth and take over the bodies of human beings.  Once their bodies are taken over, the previously human beings are Pod People.  And Pod People are emotionless, empty creatures, that don't speak too well.

The other thing that came to mind was The Minority Leader of the Senate might have just had a stroke.  One of the symptoms of stroke is, the inability to speak.  But then Mitch remained upright and stroke victims tend to fall over.  Besides his colleagues just led him away.  No one called an ambulance.  Then again it could just be old age.  Like a lot of old timers Mitch just walked into a room and forgot why he was there.  Hell, when Mitch was born, the Japanese fresh off of bombing Pearl Harbor, were busy raising hell in the South Pacific and taking one island after another.

And come to think of it, this used to happen to Nancy Pelosi, when she was Speaker of the House.  She would slur her words and then just freeze and stand still.  Then she'd start slurring her words again.  Some people thought she was drunk.  We thought she was on something like Ketamine, since she has over a hundred million in the bank and Ketamine, is a designer drug.  But it just could have been old age.  When Nancy Pelosi was born, the Nazis were rolling over France and in case you're trying to remember, that was before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.  So she's older than Mitch.  But maybe it's not just old age.  Maybe the Pods got her too?

Then there is President Biden.  He slurs his words.  He freezes too.  But then he also says things like.  "I can describe America in a single word AUSUFUTIMAEHAEHFUTBW."  Could be old age.  Could be a stroke or two.  Then again, maybe AUSUFUTIMAEHAEHFUTBW, means something to the Pod People.  

Since the Congress is currently holding hearings on UFOs and Aliens, we're sure they'll get to the bottom of this.  Just like they do with everything else.

Stay tuned right here, as the rest of the media might not cover this.  Just us and Tucker Carlson.

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When I Grow Up I Want To Be...

Our intrepid reporter Cynthia Caruso was on her way to Jones Beach with her three grandchildren in tow, when the skies opened up and a downpour ensued.  Since our office is in Queens and on the way to Jones Beach, she stopped off there.  Our office has laptops and Plasma screen TVs complete with a computer game hook ups, so it was the perfect place. Naturally the staff got around to asking her grandkids what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Nine year old Phoebe said.  "I want to be a Pediatrician."  She likes her Pediatrician.

Eleven year old Ophelia said.  "I want to be an Architect."  She draws real well and buildings are her favorite subject.

Typical things that little kids say that no one pays much mind too.  Everyone just smiles, thinks that's nice and goes about their business.  But when thirteen year old Holden gave his answer, it made everyone in the office come to an abrupt halt.  Little Holden said.  "I want to be a Whistleblower."

Everyone had a whole bunch of questions to which Holden had all the answers to, even before they could be asked.  "It's easy.  As soon as I'm old enough I go to work for some Presidential campaign.  I get coffee for everyone,  hand out leaflets, get petitions signed, kiss people's asses and then all I have to do is wait for the scandal."

"What scandal?"  Everyone asked almost in unison.

"There's always a scandal.  There's been one for every President."  Holden announced confidently.

"Now wait."  Someone said thinking that the kid is only thirteen so he could only remember maybe two Presidents.  But then everyone started thinking back and somebody said.  "Bush the Elder."  And someone else said.  "Iran Contra was still ongoing."  Everyone nodded as they all realized that included President Reagan's eight years.  Someone else said.  "Jimmuh?"  But it was more of a question that no one off the top of their head could remember and even if correct...  That meant over 40 years and seven Presidents ago.

Holden went on.  "Once there's the scandal.  I start leaking things to the Media."  Someone interjected with "Don't you have to be in the area of the scandal and know..."  When everyone started to laugh a little.  And Holden answered.  "No, I don't have to know anything that actually happened.  I just repeat rumors that will be all over the place anyway.  And, I will have worked on the campaign and I'll have some kind of a job there and they'll just take down everything I say.  Then they'll just repeat it so long as it fits the narrative of the scandal.  Don't forget, I'll be a source from inside the Administration."  

No one wanted to argue with that one.  Holden went on.  "Then maybe I even get to testify before Congress where I can lie like a rug and no one will do anything to me.  I just keep repeating the rumors.  I don't even have to have any of my own, just whatever people want to hear at that point.  Then I write my book or books.  You can do more than one, depending on the how excited everyone gets.    Some people will say I'm a Rat but others will say I'm a Hero.  I might even wind up with my own Podcast."  

Everyone wanted to argue with him about the who, the what, the where and the when of some scandal that hasn't even happened.  You know things journalists are supposed to ask.  But then there couldn't really be any answers and no one could find any fault in little, thirteen year old Holden's logic.

Holden did add his only caveat.  "My biggest problem is figuring out which one of the idiots will actually win.  But that's not too much of a problem, as I'll be really young when I start and I'll pick the winning idiot, sooner or later."

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"Girls Just Want To Have Fun"*

Former New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio and his wife Chirlane McCray are separating.  They're not going to get a divorce and neither is even moving out of the house they share but they're both going to start dating others.  Some reasons were given by both of them but Chirlane's number one reason was.  "I just want to have fun." 

And critics of Golf influencer Paige Spiranac got upset because of her July 4th picture.  That's it at the top of the column here.  The haters think it was inappropriate but not us because we know that "Girls Just Want To Have Fun".  Also we think it's a very patriotic theme, the red, the white, the blue and the hot dogs with the appropriate toppings.  Sort of like Mom and Apple Pie but with an adult beverage.  Too bad Norman Rockwell is no longer with us.  He could really do justice to this red white and blue image, making it stand for everything we fight for.

And that strange white powder found in the White House turned out to be cocaine.  Now some people think Hunter Son Of The President had left some behind as he had been there the day before.  But we don't want to jump the gun here, as there are a lot of women working in the White House, so maybe it was just girls having fun.  Then again it might have been Hunter Son Of The President, as he is known to dabble in that stuff.  Maybe boys want to have fun too.  And Hunter Son Of The President, is a fun guy.

And as Editor-in-Chief of NYUUGGEE I have a complaint.  Can someone please start a boycott of something I use.  It must be great to watch something you hate, crash and burn.  But I don't watch TV news of any kind, so I can't enjoy the drop in the ratings of all these shows as they make their way into Television History.  We get all our information from our own sources and the internet, sometimes even using the Dark Web.  Bud Light?  I don't even drink beer.  If someone starts a boycott of Johnny Walker I'm in.  I don't care what they did.  Disney movies, I haven't seen one in over 60 years when I was a little kid.  Now it looks like it might be Ben and Jerry's ice cream but I don't eat that either, too sweet.  But somebody come up with something puhhhleeezzzze!  Old guys want to have fun too.

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*Cyndy Lauper sang it, with words and music by Lolly Vegas and Robert Hazard

Questions ???

For some reason The Talking Heads and The Cognoscenti Of The Known World take to pronouncing certain words or names in the language they come from.  Why?  We're not sure.  We know when it's a French word or name, they think it makes them look enlightened but the VOG NAR group?  We're not sure why they take to pronouncing this one in Russian, when everyone can see it's Wagner.  That's Wagner as in the dog wags its tail or you wag your finger or the WAGS  who are the wives and girlfriends of professional athletes.  But no, The Talking Heads and the Cognoscenti Of The Known World all have to say VOG NAR.  Maybe the VOGNARs called them up early on in their ascent into the Mass Hysteria and told them it's VOG NAR!  And, they're all afraid to say it any other way.  But not us.  For us it's the Wagner's.  Just like some family who lives down the block from you, even if they came here from Russia.  

And yes, that is Yevgeny Prigozhin Head of the Wagner's a the top.  A bad dude, if there ever was one.

And Mark Zuckerberg has picked up the gauntlet thrown down by Elon Musk to a caged match.  We're not sure if this is a WWE style match with girls in bikinis, balloons and confetti or the real thing, as in no holds barred MMA.  But what's the point here?  One pudgy fifty something year old guy against some nerdy looking doofus, neither of whom has ever been in a real fight in their entire lives?  Why?  Who would ever, and we mean ever, want to watch this?

And after a search that went far and wide, a lot of consternation and gnashing of teeth, the search for Pat Sajak's replacement on the TV show The Wheel Of Fortune is...  Ryan Seacrest!  And, like why?  Is the guy out of work or something?  They couldn't find anyone else?  How hard is it to say. "Are there any Ts in there?"  And, "Where are you from?"  And sometimes act as if you're half interested when a contestant tells you their Grandmother was on Wheel Of Fortune back in the last century?  Other people who could use a job and the exposure were available too; Bill O'Reilly, Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Matt Lauer, Amy Rorbach and T.J. Holmes and they could be an entry as Vanna White is retiring too, Charlie Rose as he's still kicking and last but not least Dan Rather who is also still, above room temperature.

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