Sunday, February 23, 2020

The Psyche of Mini Mike

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We have to admit being quite bewildered by all the things that came to light about Mini Mike last week.  I mean the guy was our Mayor for twelve years and we never knew any of this.  Truth be told, most Mayors of NYC don’t do very much.  Mayor Rudy was an exception.  So, not knowing what any Mayor was up to didn’t surprise us.  But the things that came out had to do with what goes on in Mini Mike’s little head.  So, when confronted with things like this, we seek the counsel of Dr Don, world renowned Psychiatrist.

We don’t do this too often as Dr. Don costs $1,000 an hour and he does not accept insurance, or checks, even certified ones or credit cards either.  He only takes cash and no bill can be larger than a $20.

Dr. Don was kind enough to grant us an hour on short notice.  So, we hurried over to his office in Hell’s Kitchen.  Dr. Don as usual sat in his Barco lounge chair with the six way heat massage, the overhead, 54 inch TV screen that has the tube fed Johnny Walker Blue dispenser alongside it.  Dr. Don will sip the Johnny Walker Blue, as he sits and listens.

Dr. Don “I shouldn’t even take your money this is so easy.”

NYYUUGGEE “But you took it?”

Dr. Don “Of course I took it.  Is this a mushroom on top of my neck?  Does it say Sunkist on my forehead?  Does this look like a big raisin that I’m speaking out of?  Am I a raisin head?”

NYYUUGGEE “Well as we mentioned on the phone, we’re bewildered by the things that have come out about our former Mayor.”

Dr. Don “Ah ha.  Read them off an I’ll enlighten you.”

NYYUUGGEE “Okay, he seems to have negative opinions about young black and Hispanic men.”

Dr. Don “Eh.  He’s an elitist.  They all think like that.  That shouldn’t surprise anyone.”

NYYUUGGEE “Well he seems to have sexually harassed women.”

Dr Don “Ah ha, you’re getting close.”

NYYUUGGEE “Good.  Now we knew he wanted to grab everyone’s sodas but we just found out the he didn’t want new Mothers to use baby formula.  He wanted these new Mothers to breast feed their babies.”

Dr. Don “Eureka!  This is so easy.  He never bonded with his Mother!  Perhaps he wasn’t breast fed but then he wouldn’t know.  What he would be aware of, was his Mother never approved of him.  He could never get her approval.  He could never bond with her.  So, no matter how much money he made or whatever success he achieved, it would never be enough.  This is why he objectifies women and is angry with them.  He is afraid they will reject him, as his Mother did.  This is too easy.”

NYYUUGGEE Correspondent. “Oh, I see.”

Dr Don “And, nothing that comes out of the mouth of the angry, rejected child should ever surprise you.  Also, his fascination with obesity and baby formula, his Mother probably wanted him to be a Doctor, like me.  But he couldn’t get into Medical School.  This would heighten his sense of failure and also explain the dire need for the breast.  He needed to bond with her.  He needed that breast and since he never got it, he tried desperately for other babies to get it.  You see?”

NYYUUGGEE “But he’s a big fan of abortions.  One of the law suits against him came from a woman who said when she got pregnant, he told her to “Kill it” meaning get an abortion.”

Dr Don “Yes, yes.  With the rejected child, the pain is so deep that he wishes he had never been born.  So perhaps other babies who might feel that rejection, that pain, should never be born either.  You see.  There it all is, in a nutshell.”

NYYUUGGEE “Yes.  I guess so.”

Dr. Don “So, we are done here no?”

NYYUUGGEE “Uh Dr. Don this only took fifteen minutes.”

Dr. Don “Ah ha but my hourly rate is only for fifty minutes, not an actual hour.  And, the charge is for any part of an hour.  The fact that we achieved breakthrough so quickly, should not be taken lightly.  We can talk about something else.  You have thirty-five minutes left.”

NYYUUGGEE Correspondent. “Uh I…”

Dr. Don “No.  Then we can watch what I was watching when I granted you the hour.”

Dr. Don clicked the remote and we could see it was a Yankee game played in Fenway and an old game too, as Roy White was on second and Chris Chambliss was on first.  Bucky Dent was walking up to home plate.

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Sunday, February 16, 2020

And The Beat Goes On

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Andrew Yang dropped out of the Presidential race and too bad too, as we could have used that $1,000 a month, he was going to give everybody.  We’re pretty sure you could have too.

But anytime people run for President or any other office there are always losers and this time around, there will be a lot of them.  That’s why we call it Vote Day around here, as it’s only Election Day, if you win.  When you lose, it’s just another cold Tuesday in November or some day before that.  And the losers are starting to pile up.

First off let us go against conventional wisdom here and say that Old Dirty Grandpa Joe Biden, is not a loser.  At least, not yet.  And Old Dirty Grandpa is right when he said the first two primaries are like the “opening bell” to him.  Because the first time he ran for President back in the year of our Lord 1988, he was out of the race before the Iowa caucuses even rolled around.  Seems he got caught plagiarizing a speech by some English guy, Neil Kinnock.  Making stuff up was a big deal back in 1988.  It was a different world back then.  Now? 

And maybe making stuff up still mattered in 2008, when Old Dirty Grandpa ran the second time and finished so far behind Barak Obama, John the Baby’s Daddy Edwards and HerHilaryness in the Iowa caucuses, that he dropped out, right there.  But now?  Well maybe making stuff up doesn’t matter anymore.  And, that’s why all The Cognoscenti of the Known World, anointed him the front runner in 2020, even before anyone cast a vote.  So, if we look at this as a progression, Old Dirty Grandpa is still in the race, headed for Nevada and North Carolina and that is a helluva lot better than he ever did before.  Maybe he’ll do even better in 2024?

But it does seem that Elizabeth Warren is headed back home to have a few beers and maybe more than a few beers, with her husband.  Our attempts to re-brand her as a Comanche instead of a Cherokee, have not gained her any traction.  Oh well, maybe she’ll do better in 2024 too?

Now Mini Mike Bloomberg is jumping into the race.  That’s pretty smart, as he doesn’t have to hear how no one in Iowa or New Hampshire wanted him.  At first, we thought he had no chance, as we thought that no Mayor of New York City has ever been elected anything after being Mayor of the City of New York.  The Honorable Mr. Lindsay ran for President and could hardly get any votes.  Our Honorable Mr. Edward I Koch ran for Governor of New York and lost badly.  Then our Honorable Rudolph Giuliani ran for President and only got one delegate, despite leading in all the polls for two years.  But then our Editor Emeritus, the esteemed Mr. C.B. reminded us that Ole DeWitt Clinton, Mayor of our beloved city got elected Governor of New York back in 1817.  So maybe there is some precedent here.

But be careful out there America, as Mini Mike not only wants to grab your guns but your soda too.  He’s, got this thing about sugary drinks.  First, he said it was because people were obese.  But recently a recording has surfaced from years ago, where Mini Mike wanted to stop young, African-American men from drinking soda too!  Why?  We’re not sure but then he’s no longer our problem, he’s yours.

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