A Few Questions

The staff here began a discussion last Friday and the question was.  What is the difference between, politics, the Nightly News, Cable News, Opinion Cable News shows, the Real Housewives of New York and everywhere else, the WWE, scripted TV shows both dramas and sitcoms and Professional Sports?  Discussions went on Friday all day, Saturday until finally on Sunday morning after looking at it from all angles we had our answer, nothing. 

This brings us to our next question and that is.  When do we take the masks off?  The government is never going to tell you to take the masks off, like ever.  You’re going to have to do this on you own.  So, we did a survey in NYC on Saturday.  We took a break from our discussion of question number one.  And, this is a very scientific survey, as it’s based on actual, verifiable numbers.  We passed a 100 people on the street in Manhattan and the Bronx and counted all the way.  We found that 17 people were not wearing masks at all.  Then another 14 had masks on but the mask was pulled down under their chin.  Just like Dr. Fauci at the ballpark.  Then there were 4 people with masks that were sort of askew.  One guy had turban like get up that only blocked half his mouth and one of his nostrils and a three other people had bandannas over their faces like they were going to rob the next Stagecoach.  The bandannas are completely useless when combating the Kung Flu, so we concluded that 35% of the people at the present time are not wearing masks.  Since these are actual, verifiable numbers this allows us to make scientific and accurate projections and here they are.  By the middle of August, 52.5% of the people will not be wearing masks.  By the middle of September 75% of the people will not be wearing masks.  And by the end of October 95% of the people will not be wearing masks.  The last 5% will never take the masks off.  Some will be buried with them still on. 

Which brings us to our last question, what do the masks do?  If you’re wearing the mask and someone with the Kung Flu gets within six feet of you, the mask won’t help.  If you have the Kung Flu, wearing the mask might help contain the virus.  But if you have the Kung Flu, you’re probably, in the ICU on a ventilator, regretting all the things you didn’t do and hoping for one more chance.  You’re not out and about breathing on people.  So, the answer to this last question is, not much. 

We hope you enjoyed your weekend.  Obviously, we didn’t enjoy ours. 

Dicen simile factum est 

Pro Bono Publico 

The NYUUGGEE 2020 Presidential Poll

We know you have all been awaiting this with great anticipation.  We haven’t run a Presidential poll since 2016 which we got wrong but then so did everyone else.  We got over it, forgot about it, just like everyone else.  But now without further delay here it is. 

Candidate _______________ of the __________ Party has 47% of the vote. 

Candidate _______________ of the __________ Party has 44% of the vote. 

The other 8% of the vote is undecided.  

You can fill in the blanks because the object of this poll is to make you feel good.  You can think your guy is winning no matter who it is.  Is it accurate?  Of course, yes!  Every Presidential election in this century would fall within the parameters of this poll.  You could look that up.  But don’t bother, we have it for you later in this article. 

And, the undecided vote is extremely important because if our projection of the percentage of the vote is off a little after everyone actually votes, we will say the undecideds broke for the winner at the last moment. 

Oh yeah just like all the other polls we give ourselves a 3 to 5 % margin of error.  And, the margin of error is also extremely important.  If the undecided doesn’t cover the actual election results, we’ll throw in the margin of error and that should do the trick. 

Now we know the questions who did we call?  Likely voters?  Anyone who picked up the phone?  Our friends and family?  People from the Elks Lodge?  Like we said all the elections in this century fall within the parameters of this poll.  Take a look.  The winner’s name is on the left and in caps because sometimes the winner doesn’t have the most votes.  Do we have to give a civics lesson here? 

2016 TRUMP 46.1%          HerHillaryness 48.2% 

2012 OBAMA 51.1%          Mitt 47.2%  

2008 OBAMA 52.9%          John the Hero, McCain 45.7% 

2004 BUSH 50.7%              John I was in Viet Nam, Kerry 48.3% 

2000 BUSH 47.9%               Algore 48.4% 

As you can see our poll will fall in very nicely with the actual election results of all the Presidential elections in this century.  So, why bother with the phone calls?  Even unlimited calling has its limitations.  Why spend, the money?  And, polling takes a lot of time and it’s boring. Who wants to ask hundreds and hundreds of people the same questions over and over again? 

Of course, if there is some kind of a landslide election like Reagan v Mondal back in the previous century, we’ll be wrong, again.  But then so will everyone else, again.  And, we’ll just conveniently forget the whole thing just like everyone else, again. 

Dicens simile factum est 

Pro Bono Publico 

I Am Adam

I am Adam.  I stand safely tucked away in a small room in The Metropolitan Museum of Art.  It is one of those rooms that does not get a lot of traffic.   But still people come by and gaze at me.  I’m not made in the image of an actual person but rather a biblical one, the first man.  I’m an allegory or a symbol or both.  I can never quite get that right.  I’m made of the finest marble and I’m really quite beautiful.  But I’m not outside and not displayed prominently in the Courtyard or in the halls of Greco, Roman or Egyptian art.  I am safe for now.  I think. 

But then are any of us safe?  I keep thinking of that old epitaph that went something like.  ‘At first they came for the Jews and I didn’t say anything as I was not a Jew.  Then they came for...’ And, on and on, one group or another that he was not a part of and he said nothing, till they came for him and there was no one left to object.  I’m thinking of that because at first, they came Robert E. Lee and others of us made in the likeness of some dead Confederate Soldier.  Why?  We’re not real.  And, we’re about people who’ve been dead for decades or centuries even.  It is said to be about male dominance or slavery or systemic racism.  But then they came for Abraham Lincoln and Ulysses S. Grant and those were the guys who ended slavery.  I know this because their statues brag about it all the time.  We have a way of communicating with each other.  It would take too long to explain it to you but we know when one of us is gone, as they go silent. 

Directly across town the City Council wants to get rid of the statue of Theodore Roosevelt in front of the Museum of Natural History.  That makes no sense, as Theodore Roosevelt more or less created the Museum of National History.  Maybe they mean to get rid of the whole Museum too.  I mean why not while they are at it?  God only knows how many objectionable things are in there.  And, Theodore the statue that is, is not happy and they’re lucky he’s only a statue.  The real Theodore Roosevelt would thrash them all.  It seems they object to the figures, one an African and the other an Indian, standing alongside him.  Why?  They look quite proud and the three of them look like they really like each other.  In fact, the statues do.  They’ve said so on many an occasion.  And, they are quite bewildered by it all.  The African on the right has asked that very question, why?  The Indian on the left, asked how?  It’s a rather large and heavy statue. 

But by now you can see why I’m worried.  I may be safely tucked away and not in view of the larger public but the statue killers don’t seem to be driven by any reason.  It’s just, get the statues.  And, I am Adam.  If anyone ever represented male dominance, it’s me.  Although I’m not so sure of that, as I’m about to eat the apple.  But please, don’t let them get me and if they do, please remember me.  I am quite beautiful and I’m not just some symbol, I’m art. 

Dicens simle factum est 

Pro Bono Publico