Sunday, February 23, 2020

The Psyche of Mini Mike

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We have to admit being quite bewildered by all the things that came to light about Mini Mike last week.  I mean the guy was our Mayor for twelve years and we never knew any of this.  Truth be told, most Mayors of NYC don’t do very much.  Mayor Rudy was an exception.  So, not knowing what any Mayor was up to didn’t surprise us.  But the things that came out had to do with what goes on in Mini Mike’s little head.  So, when confronted with things like this, we seek the counsel of Dr Don, world renowned Psychiatrist.

We don’t do this too often as Dr. Don costs $1,000 an hour and he does not accept insurance, or checks, even certified ones or credit cards either.  He only takes cash and no bill can be larger than a $20.

Dr. Don was kind enough to grant us an hour on short notice.  So, we hurried over to his office in Hell’s Kitchen.  Dr. Don as usual sat in his Barco lounge chair with the six way heat massage, the overhead, 54 inch TV screen that has the tube fed Johnny Walker Blue dispenser alongside it.  Dr. Don will sip the Johnny Walker Blue, as he sits and listens.

Dr. Don “I shouldn’t even take your money this is so easy.”

NYYUUGGEE “But you took it?”

Dr. Don “Of course I took it.  Is this a mushroom on top of my neck?  Does it say Sunkist on my forehead?  Does this look like a big raisin that I’m speaking out of?  Am I a raisin head?”

NYYUUGGEE “Well as we mentioned on the phone, we’re bewildered by the things that have come out about our former Mayor.”

Dr. Don “Ah ha.  Read them off an I’ll enlighten you.”

NYYUUGGEE “Okay, he seems to have negative opinions about young black and Hispanic men.”

Dr. Don “Eh.  He’s an elitist.  They all think like that.  That shouldn’t surprise anyone.”

NYYUUGGEE “Well he seems to have sexually harassed women.”

Dr Don “Ah ha, you’re getting close.”

NYYUUGGEE “Good.  Now we knew he wanted to grab everyone’s sodas but we just found out the he didn’t want new Mothers to use baby formula.  He wanted these new Mothers to breast feed their babies.”

Dr. Don “Eureka!  This is so easy.  He never bonded with his Mother!  Perhaps he wasn’t breast fed but then he wouldn’t know.  What he would be aware of, was his Mother never approved of him.  He could never get her approval.  He could never bond with her.  So, no matter how much money he made or whatever success he achieved, it would never be enough.  This is why he objectifies women and is angry with them.  He is afraid they will reject him, as his Mother did.  This is too easy.”

NYYUUGGEE Correspondent. “Oh, I see.”

Dr Don “And, nothing that comes out of the mouth of the angry, rejected child should ever surprise you.  Also, his fascination with obesity and baby formula, his Mother probably wanted him to be a Doctor, like me.  But he couldn’t get into Medical School.  This would heighten his sense of failure and also explain the dire need for the breast.  He needed to bond with her.  He needed that breast and since he never got it, he tried desperately for other babies to get it.  You see?”

NYYUUGGEE “But he’s a big fan of abortions.  One of the law suits against him came from a woman who said when she got pregnant, he told her to “Kill it” meaning get an abortion.”

Dr Don “Yes, yes.  With the rejected child, the pain is so deep that he wishes he had never been born.  So perhaps other babies who might feel that rejection, that pain, should never be born either.  You see.  There it all is, in a nutshell.”

NYYUUGGEE “Yes.  I guess so.”

Dr. Don “So, we are done here no?”

NYYUUGGEE “Uh Dr. Don this only took fifteen minutes.”

Dr. Don “Ah ha but my hourly rate is only for fifty minutes, not an actual hour.  And, the charge is for any part of an hour.  The fact that we achieved breakthrough so quickly, should not be taken lightly.  We can talk about something else.  You have thirty-five minutes left.”

NYYUUGGEE Correspondent. “Uh I…”

Dr. Don “No.  Then we can watch what I was watching when I granted you the hour.”

Dr. Don clicked the remote and we could see it was a Yankee game played in Fenway and an old game too, as Roy White was on second and Chris Chambliss was on first.  Bucky Dent was walking up to home plate.

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Sunday, February 16, 2020

And The Beat Goes On

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Andrew Yang dropped out of the Presidential race and too bad too, as we could have used that $1,000 a month, he was going to give everybody.  We’re pretty sure you could have too.

But anytime people run for President or any other office there are always losers and this time around, there will be a lot of them.  That’s why we call it Vote Day around here, as it’s only Election Day, if you win.  When you lose, it’s just another cold Tuesday in November or some day before that.  And the losers are starting to pile up.

First off let us go against conventional wisdom here and say that Old Dirty Grandpa Joe Biden, is not a loser.  At least, not yet.  And Old Dirty Grandpa is right when he said the first two primaries are like the “opening bell” to him.  Because the first time he ran for President back in the year of our Lord 1988, he was out of the race before the Iowa caucuses even rolled around.  Seems he got caught plagiarizing a speech by some English guy, Neil Kinnock.  Making stuff up was a big deal back in 1988.  It was a different world back then.  Now? 

And maybe making stuff up still mattered in 2008, when Old Dirty Grandpa ran the second time and finished so far behind Barak Obama, John the Baby’s Daddy Edwards and HerHilaryness in the Iowa caucuses, that he dropped out, right there.  But now?  Well maybe making stuff up doesn’t matter anymore.  And, that’s why all The Cognoscenti of the Known World, anointed him the front runner in 2020, even before anyone cast a vote.  So, if we look at this as a progression, Old Dirty Grandpa is still in the race, headed for Nevada and North Carolina and that is a helluva lot better than he ever did before.  Maybe he’ll do even better in 2024?

But it does seem that Elizabeth Warren is headed back home to have a few beers and maybe more than a few beers, with her husband.  Our attempts to re-brand her as a Comanche instead of a Cherokee, have not gained her any traction.  Oh well, maybe she’ll do better in 2024 too?

Now Mini Mike Bloomberg is jumping into the race.  That’s pretty smart, as he doesn’t have to hear how no one in Iowa or New Hampshire wanted him.  At first, we thought he had no chance, as we thought that no Mayor of New York City has ever been elected anything after being Mayor of the City of New York.  The Honorable Mr. Lindsay ran for President and could hardly get any votes.  Our Honorable Mr. Edward I Koch ran for Governor of New York and lost badly.  Then our Honorable Rudolph Giuliani ran for President and only got one delegate, despite leading in all the polls for two years.  But then our Editor Emeritus, the esteemed Mr. C.B. reminded us that Ole DeWitt Clinton, Mayor of our beloved city got elected Governor of New York back in 1817.  So maybe there is some precedent here.

But be careful out there America, as Mini Mike not only wants to grab your guns but your soda too.  He’s, got this thing about sugary drinks.  First, he said it was because people were obese.  But recently a recording has surfaced from years ago, where Mini Mike wanted to stop young, African-American men from drinking soda too!  Why?  We’re not sure but then he’s no longer our problem, he’s yours.

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Sunday, January 26, 2020

The Democrat Nominee

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Discussion around here among the staff has centered around who the eventual Democrat nominee will be.  Some still hold out hope for Old Dirty Grandpa Joe Biden, others like Bernie “Old Brains”, Sanders and few others lean towards Elizabeth Cherokee Warren.  And, that took us to wondering if the American people were ready for an Indian as President.  Or to be politically correct, a Native American as President.

Some said yes, as over the decades The Cognoscenti of the Known World devoutly believed things like, no divorced man could ever be elected President.  Not true as Ronald Reagan was divorced and so is you know who and twice by the way.  Then in their common wisdom they all believed no black man or African American whichever you prefer, could ever be elected President.  Not true, as Barrack Obama got elected.  And, then of course no Jewish person could get elected an none has but then Joe Lieberman ran as Algore’s Vice President.  And, they actually won the popular vote.  So, if the country was ready for a Jewish Vice-President, we can safely assume they country would accept a Jewish President.  As we all know the Vice President is only a heartbeat away.  So, most of us agreed that the country would vote for an Indian or Native American whichever you prefer, but then the question was would the American people vote for a Cherokee?  And, we sort of got stuck there.

The discussion then turned to other Native American tribes like the Iroquois, the Cheyenne, the Sioux and everyone seemed to focus on the Apache or the Comanche.  Finally, we decided on the Comanche.  Why?  Because we believe in a strong Commander in Chief, (no pun intended) and the Comanche never got kicked out of anywhere like the Cherokee in Tennessee.  In fact, the Comanche don’t even call themselves Comanche.  They call themselves the Numunuh.  It’s the people who they fought, who they scared the hell out of, that called them Comanche.  Hell, even John Wayne was afraid of the Comanche.  Some people who review ‘The Searchers’ say John Wayne is a racist in that movie.  But if you watch that movie paying a little more attention to detail than those critics, you’ll see that The Duke has nothing against Indians.  He even likes the Kiowas and the other tribes, it’s just those Comanche that turn his eyes into slits and make his blood run cold.

So, in an attempt to get her campaign back on track, we’ve all decided from now on to refer to her as Elizabeth Comanche Warren. 

We implore all of you to do the same.  Let’s get this party started right!

By the way the term “Old Brains” was not meant as a slight towards Bernie Sanders and anyone taking it as such, should be ashamed of themselves.  This is a nickname borrowed from Henry Halleck who was The General in Chief (again no pun intended) of the Union Army during the Civil War and we think it kind of applies here.

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Monday, January 20, 2020

The Houston Astros Stealing Signs OMG!

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Imagine if you will that it is August 1998 or 1999 or some year around then.  It’s Yankee Stadium.  It is the top of the 9th inning and the Yankees have a one run lead.  You are the lead off hitter.  The only bad part of this scenario is, you’re wearing a Red Sox uniform but cheer up.  You’re twenty-five years old and you’re having a pretty good year hitting .282.  On the mound, as the Yankees want to hold onto that lead is Mariano Rivera.  The guy who will be the first player to be elected to the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility with his name on every ballot.  Now guess what he is going to throw you?  For those of you who aren’t baseball fans that means what pitch will you get?  Just in case you don’t follow the game too much, Mariano Rivera is going to throw you a cut fastball. 

How do we know that?  Did we steal the sign?  Not hardly.  We know that because that’s what Mariano threw like 99% of the time.  Mariano did have a rising fastball and a sinking fastball but he’d throw those pitches like only once in a blue moon.  The rest of the time like 99% of the time, it was that cut fastball.  So, if you didn’t see that cutter on the first, pitch you’d see it on the second, the third and if you were still at home plate and not headed back to the dugout, you’d see that on the fourth and the fifth pitch too.  Then you’d be headed back to the dugout.

In fact, from 1995 through 2013 that’s nineteen seasons through thousands and thousands of at bats major league hitters walked up to home plate to face Mariano Rivera and they all knew what was coming.  And it didn’t help them much.  That’s why Mariano Rivera amassed 652 saves, a record that will most probably never be broken and had a lifetime ERA of 2.21.  If you don’t follow baseball those numbers mean batters didn’t hit him too much, even though they all knew what pitch was coming 99% of the time.

Which brings us to this latest scandal of sign stealing by the Houston Astros.  There is much gnashing of teeth, calls for people to be banned for life, people have actually been fired and there are even some who want to take down the Astros only World Series title.  There is blood in the water.  It seems we can’t have a reasonable discussion about anything, anymore.  Everything, seems like a WWE match.  That’s the World Wrestling Entertainment or Professional Wrestling, with people throwing chairs, pulling hair and fake blood everywhere. 

Everyone needs to take a deep breath.  Stealing signs is part of the game.  Everyone does it.  Pitchers tip pitches or give away what pitch they will throw as they get ready to throw that pitch.  Coaches pick that up and signal the hitters.  Base runners who reach second base can steal signs from the catcher and signal the hitter. Now some hitters in fact, a lot of hitters, don’t even want to know what’s coming.  When, you’re young and your reflexes are great, you just read the pitch and react.  You don’t want to be thinking too much up there.  You don’t need too either.  Or as Yogi once said.  “You can’t think and hit at the same time.”

Now using a TV monitor to steal signs like the Astros did is definitely cheating.  I mean it’s going way too far.  But it’s a misdemeanor not a felony.  A simple solution is to do what the NFL does.  The Offensive Coordinator has a dedicated phone line to the Quarterback.  The Offensive Coordinator calls the play over that line.  You see these guys every game with the play card over their mouth, so no one can even read their lips.  But no one else can hear the call.  No signs needed.  Just do the same thing with both the pitcher and the catcher having an ear piece like an NFL Quarterback has and the pitching coach calls the pitches.  The pitching coach doesn’t have much to do anyway.  This will make him happy.

And, calm down everybody.  The fix was not in.  As we’ve pointed out just knowing watch pitch is coming doesn’t necessarily help much.  It certainly doesn’t guarantee you’ll get a hit. 

Pitchers and Catchers report in a few weeks.  The sun will be shinning in Florida and Arizona.  Spring, eternal spring, will arrive again and we’ll all be young again because it will be time to… 

“Play Ball!” 

Enjoy it.

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Thursday, January 9, 2020

Meghan and Harry, Oh No, Say It Isn't So

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Meghan Markle and Harry will no longer be “Senior Royals”!  They made this announcement earlier this week.  We haven’t written a word about it up till now because, well because even though it is earth shattering news, we’re unable to figure out…  What does this mean?

We know they will still be the “Duchesse and Duke of Sussex” thank God.  But they say they intend to work and make their own money!  Does this mean like having jobs?  Actually jobs?  Are they giving up the Castle, the servants, the nannies, the cars? Oh no, say it isn’t so! 

Will Meghan go back to acting?  We think she’d be great on one of the many new shows like The FBI’s Most Wanted or even one of the old shows like one of the many NCIS ones.  She could be added to the cast as a former MI6 Agent who fell in love with the wrong guy and she had to be sent to America where she was actually born.  Her parents posed as British diplomats but they were really MI6 agents too.  There could be a whole lot of back stories here.  We don’t see her on Survivor though.  She’s too skinny and won’t last too long.  Or any of The Real Housewives Of…  because she’s actually married.  But Big Brother is a possibility.  Oh wait, how about The View?  We think Meghan will be great almost anywhere.  But what is Harry going to do?  Who’s going to hire the guy?  How do you tell the Duke of Sussex that he needs to have that report on your desk, first thing Monday morning?

But if anyone out there knows what this all means, please, no puhleeze! Let us know.

BTW they are calling the Meghan and Harry thing MEGXIT over there on the other side of the pond.  Sort of like Brexit.  Poor Harry’s not even in the title.  On this side of the pond J-lo always gets top billing when marrying or dating someone.  But at least Alex Rodriguez gets a piece of his name in there.  They are known, as J-rod now.  But poor Harry gets nothing, not even a few letters or even one letter of his name.  Oh no, say it isn’t so.  Just say it isn’t so.

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Monday, December 30, 2019

Our Man of the Year Nicholas Cage

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First before all the PC crowd has a baby, Nicholas Cage is a man.  If we were to give this award to say to HerHillaryness, it would be Woman of the Year.  And, if we, were to give it to this award to Greta Thunberg, like that almost out of print and existence entity, Time Magazine, it would be Girl of the Year.  And, if Nicholas Cage writes in and says he wants to be Person of the Year, so be it.

Now you may ask just what did Nicholas Cage do in 2019 and the answer is nothing much.  Certainly nothing much in terms of Hollyweird and being in any kind of a movie that anyone saw.  I mean he went from an Academy Award winning actor to a guy in a bunch of strange movies that went straight to live streaming and nobody watched them.  And, if you stop to think about it most people have done nothing that anyone has paid much attention to either.  I mean most people have done things for family, friends and colleagues but nothing that the Mass Hysteria or The Cognoscenti of The Known World paid any attention to, just like Nicholas Cage.  So, in his new found ignominy Nicholas Cage has become just like us.  Striving, yearning for a bright new day and looking back on his life with a sense of wonder that asks, was it really so?  Was that me?  Did I do that, really do that?  Wow!

Runner Ups for this year’s award were; El Chapo Drug Kingpin Emeritus doing life plus 30 years, Prince Andrew BFF of the late Jeffrey Epstein, J-Lo, Summer Walker who is a new and up and coming singer and Kyle ‘Home Run’ Higashioka of the New York Yankees.

Happy New Year everyone!

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Monday, December 23, 2019

The Bench Jockey

We’ve come to this startling conclusion about the Never Trumpers in the Democrat Party, The Republican Party, The Conservative Party, The Green Party and any other party, also the Never Trumpers among the Talking Heads and the Cognoscenti of the Known World; they either never played baseball or they weren’t very good at it.

We know this because in baseball there is a character known as The Bench Jockey.  The Bench Jockey is a guy who won’t play today.  It could be that he pitched yesterday’s game or it just could be a guy who isn’t very good.  But he won’t play and since he has nothing else to do The Bench Jockey will hurl insults at the opposing team.  A more common term for this type of behavior, is needling.  The idea is to get under someone’s skin, upset them and get them off their game.  The Bench Jockey might make fun of an opposing player’s little idiosyncrasies like he has a funny gait when he runs or if a player makes an error.  But anything is fair game for The Bench Jockey so it can and does, get personal.  For an example if an opposing player is lazy in the field The Bench Jockey might refer to him as “Low Energy Jeb”.   If the opposing player may have run afoul of the law a few times, The Bench Jockey might call her “Crooked Hillary”.  If an opposing player is kind of guy who makes things up The Bench Jockey might call him “Fake News”. 

As we mentioned The Bench Jockey’s modus operandi, is to get the other player off their game.  If the opposing player is a good hitter and they go up to home plate after being reminded of their failings, they may get angry, yell back and then they might strike out instead of getting a hit.  The Bench Jockey can get real results.

The Bench Jockey reserves his insults almost exclusively, for the best players on the opposing team.  The bad players on the opposing team who are making outs when at bat and errors in the field are not worth wasting his breath on.

So when the Donald Himself needles the Never Trumpers and they become unglued we safely assume that, they never played baseball or if they did, they weren’t very good.  Because The Bench Jockey seems to be a guy, they never heard from before.

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