That Moment When...

For Vladimir Putin it was that moment when he was announcing that he was calling up 300,000 conscripts to go fight in Ukraine.  Back in February the Russians formerly known as the Evil Empire invaded the Ukraine from north, south and east.  At first Russian troops and tanks just rolled along like it was 1956 in Budapest but then...  Well they kind of bogged down outside of the Ukrainian capitol Kyiv.  At which point Vlad said that all was going according to the plan.  Then the Russians got pushed back in a few places but Vlad once again said all was going according to the plan.  And, in the last few weeks the Ukrainians launched a counter offensive and the Russian troops have been running the other way.  So, as Vlad read from the teleprompter about calling up men formally known as civilians, he had to have that moment, when he realized that things just weren't going according to the plan.

For Meghan Markle there was that moment as she followed behind the casket of Queen Elizabeth II, when a single tear rolled down her cheek.  You could say she was moved to tears at the passing of Britain's Longest reigning Queen but then she looked angry not bereft and it could have been the moment.  

It was not so long ago when Harry met Meghan and they got hitched.  But Harry is the second son and unless the oldest son meets an untimely end, he and Megan would be left to play second fiddle to that oldest son William and his wife Kate.  So, someone hatched what seemed like the brilliant idea of renouncing their royal titles and going to live with the common folk in America.  Soon a contract from Netflix for over a hundred million followed but then Meghan's first project got cancelled.  Seems like Netflix realized if they weren't royals then she was just a washed up ex-TV actress and Harry a....  Well what is an ex-royal?  Nothing really, not even a washed up ex-TV actor.

Then the Queen died and Harry and Megan were left out of certain ceremonies and had to sit in the back with well... the common folk which is what they are now.  Then came that single tear rolling down the angry cheek of Meghan.  That could have been the moment when she realized that things, just hadn't gone according to the plan.

And for Kanye it happened yesterday.  Maybe he should have realized it when Kim split and then started dating Pete Davidson and she and Pete posted all kinds of PDA all over social media.  But then Kim threw Pete out, saying he was too young and well "hope springs eternal".  Kanye must have planned of some great reunion but then well yesterday he must have had that moment.  He took to Instagram to post a picture of Kim with her new svelte figure and said.  "London I know how you feel.  I lost my Queen too."

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"An Ounce Of Prevention Is Worth A Pound Of Cure"

That's a few words of wisdom from ole Ben Franklin that we're quoting in the title here because we all sort of got caught with our pants down during the last crisis, the pandemic, aka The Kung Flu.  So we have to to go over what worked and what didn't.  The do's and don'ts if you will.  

Now a whole lot of people ran out and bought up all the toilet paper.  And, it must have worked, as most of us are still here.

And, most of us about 83% of us got the vaccine which didn't work, as the CDC the Center for Disease Control reports that the Kung Flu is still creating 60,831 cases a day, causing 391 deaths a day and 4,311 hospitalizations a day.

And, the masks did nothing, as most everyone has just thrown them away with no discernable effect.

So, now we need to prepare for the next crisis.  And, trust us on this, there will be another one.  Not tomorrow, not next week but soon and we need to get ready.  So here goes.

1. Buy up toilet paper and do it now before the shelves go bare.  As we mentioned it must have worked and it's a non perishable item, so it won't spoil.  

2. Sign up for whatever government program or programs that give out money.  Don't worry if you qualify or not.  The worst that could happen is they say no.  If you commit fraud in the process, not to worry as there will be millions, if not tens of millions of people doing the same thing, so they can't possibly catch more than a few.  The odds are way in your favor.  It doesn't even seem, as if they're looking too hard for anyone after these last big handouts.  

3.  If there are emergency loan programs, apply.  There are not a lot of articles on this but more than a enough to give them credence, and they're about how the rich and famous got the emergency loans and then couldn't repay them.  Why should you?

4.  Do not watch the news or talk shows or any regular TV that always has breaking news or bulletins.  Stick to Netflix or your favorite streaming service.  This will keep the incessant stream of hysteria and misinformation to a minimum.  Check the internet once or twice a week at most, just to see if the world is still out there.  Not watching the TV will also spare you from having to listen to every nitwit celebrity telling you to "stay safe" like they know you and give a bleep.

This has been what we call a public service announcement.

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Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

The FBI Agents who searched Mar-a-Lago got to do what a whole lot of men could only wish, hope and dream of doing, they got into Melania's panties.  We wondered if they sniffed them?  We're kind of thinking yeah here.

And, Robert Telles the Public Administrator for Clarke County who failed to win his primary so he could keep his job, was arrested for murder.  Seems the victim Jeff German, was a reporter who wrote some articles about Mr. Telles inappropriate conduct while in office and it probably cost Telles the election.  This is what can happen when someone realizes their wishes, hopes, and dreams just ain't gonna come true.  We call this, the dark side of wishes, hopes and dreams.

And Aaron Judge only needs 5 more home runs to break Roger Maris's record of 61 home runs in a single season!  Judge has 20 games left in the season to do it.  He could do it!  Aaron Judge could break Roger Maris's record!  The only thing wrong here is the steroid freaks McGwire, Sosa and Bonds have gone past that number years ago with Bonds topping out at 73 home runs in a single season.  So, if Judge does get to 62 home runs, it will only be a team record.  This is when wishes, hopes and dreams even when realized, just become ho hum and BFD.

And, Hillary Clinton, HerHillaryness says she will never run for President again.  That glass ceiling she thought she'd crack will stay in place, at least for now and the near future.  We guess, this is when wishes, hopes and dreams, just die.

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Truth or Rumor?

While rumors abound everywhere and rumors are not very trust worthy, sometimes today's rumors become tomorrow's historical facts.  For example JFK got whacked by the Mob.  That was a rumor among many other rumors and conspiracy theories for decades but now, well, pretty much everyone in the know, knows it to be true.  And, look for all future JFK conspiracy movies and books to zoom in on this.  The CIA, the FBI and LBJ conspiracy theories, are out.  Get used to the names Sam Giancana, Santo Trafficante and Carlos Marcello.  Another example, were the rumors circulating for the last few months that Leonardo DiCaprio was going to dump his girlfriend before she turned 25 as he dumps all his girlfriends before they turn 25.  Another one that was true.  So we are here to try and sift through the rumors, separating the wheat from the chaff for the benefit of truth, justice and the future historical record.

So here we go.

Rumor 1.  Mikhail Gorbachev was whacked.  He did not die of natural causes.  In the old days these guys were just sent to a Dacha to never be heard from again but this was before the poison pen and the uranium milk shake.  This could only be a rumor as Gorbachev was 91 but then maybe the old guy said a few things that Putin didn't like.

Rumor 2.  The were only two things found in Donald Trump's safe at Mar A' Largo.  Number one was a bunch of Taco Bell receipts ear marked for his Accountants, as business expenses, replete with hot sauce stains and number two, nude pictures of his wife.  Truth or Rumor?  We're hot on the case.

Rumor 3.  There is going to be a new cable news/streaming service called The Cornfield with Chris Cuomo, Brian Stelter, Jeffrey Toobin and Chris Wallace.  We're leaning rumor here but then who knows?  We like the lineup.

Rumor 4.  Is there a war in the Ukraine?  At first there were daily images of tanks burning, airplanes screaming through the skies and explosions reaching to the heavens.  But we all know by now that the Mass Hysteria is not above taking footage from one war and using it for another.  For example the war in Syria was a hodgepodge of clips from the Iraq war.  The Mass Hysteria even admitted it.  And now, there are almost no images or even any news about this war at all.  We lean truth here, that there is a war and the Mass Hysteria just got bored with it.  And, whatever happened to that Zelenskky guy?  He was on the news everyday and now?  Poison pen?  Uranium milkshake maybe?

Rumor 5.  The Yankees are still in a pennant race.  After breaking on top of their division with an almost insurmountable lead, the Yankees have taken a nose dive, going 20 and 31 in their last 51 games.  Falling out of the whole thing is entirely possible at this point.  Along with the forgone conclusion that the Yankees would win their 28th World Series this year, just turning out to be a rumor.  Oh say it ain't so!  Say it ain't so!

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Putin's Double

Reports of Vladimir Putin having everything from Parkinson's disease to cancer have been circulating in the media and on the internet for months.  Then there are reports that Putin has a double.  So, in the interests of truth, justice and journalism, we got on the case.  Since we go where the rest of the media fears to tread, we tracked down Putin's double.

NYUUGGEE "Thank you for coming in.  What do we call you by the way?"

Vlad 2 "You can call me Vlad 2.  It will help me stay in character and don't use my real name.  I signed an NDA."

NYUUGGEE "You're wearing a mask so you're face is partially covered but if you don't mind us saying you don't particularly look like Vladimir Putin."

Vlad 2 "Of course I let my hair grow back and I put the weight back on and stopped the anabolic steroids, so I no longer look like him.  The mask is for the Co-vid and the Monkey pox.  You can't be too careful in this world, as I've learned."

NYUUGGEE "How did you get this job?"

Vlad 2 "My agent called me."

NYUUGGEE "Agent?"

Vlad 2 "Yes I'm an actor and this was the role of a lifetime.  So I had my head shaved and I worked out for weeks and took the anabolic steroids and damn if I didn't look just like him."

NYUUGGEE "So the reports of Putin having a double are true?"

Vlad 2 "Oh yes and not just a double but there were three of us.  Vlad 1, he is the guy with Parkinson's.  Vlad 3 had the cancer.  Vlad himself, he's healthy as a horse."

NYUUGGEE "Wow, so did you interact with the world's leaders?"

Vlad 2 "Yes sometimes.  Sometimes it was Vlad 1 or Vlad 3.  No one meets with the real Vlad anymore. The real Vlad said the world's leaders are all a bunch of silly actors or just plain dumb asses.  The only one I met was Boris Johnson.  At first I thought Boris Johnson was just drunk but then I realized he had to be high on something too.  If I had to guess I'd say Mollies."

NYUUGGEE "Do you speak Russian?  Do you and Putin have similar voices?"

Vlad 2 "No, no.  Most of the time you just walk out and pose for pictures.  If you actually meet someone like Boris Johnson, the Interpreter is with you and you just nod your head.  Then the Interpreter speaks to you in Russian and then you just whisper in the Interpreter's ear.  Then he gives the answer.  Besides that Boris guy was high, I could have said anything.  And, Vlad 3 met with Biden and he said Biden was out to lunch.  He even spoke to Biden in Russian and English.  Said Biden had no idea what he'd said.  Said Biden just asked where he could get an ice cream cone.  Hey they didn't like Vlad 3 speaking but under the circumstances, it didn't really matter."

NYUUGGEE "So how come you're back in the States?"

Vlad 2 "Oh someone noticed that our ears are a different size.  So I was on the next plane back to Newark.  That's where I'm from Jersey, Metuchen to be exact.  I heard they brought in two other guys."

NYUUGGEE "Two?"

Vlad 2 "Yeah I heard the cancer got Vlad 3.  That was one story.  The other was one of Putin's Mistresses mistook Vlad 3 for Putin.  But that could just be a story.  You know how people make stuff up and gossip."

NYUUGGEE "Do we ever.  But now that this is all over, do you go back to acting?"

Vlad 2 "Yeah and what really sucks is I played the hell out of that role.  But I can't use it.  I signed that NDA.  And, besides, no one will believe me.  So, it's like I spent a year on Broadway but I was in a clown costume or I was a tree that talked and I wasn't even listed in the credits.  What a waste.  And, they don't even pay that much.  Just a bunch of Rubles which by the time you get done converting them to dollars, you're left with maybe a month's rent."

NYUUGGEE "Well that was a hell of an experience.  Maybe someday they'll make a movie out of it and you can play yourself."

Vlad 2 "Yeah, yeah and of course I'll be playing Putin too!  Sort of like Eddie Murphy did in the Nutty Professor movies and Tom Hardy did in 'Legend'.  Yeah yeah!  Thank you!  Thank you!  You've put a whole new perspective on this."

NYUUGGEE "That's why we're here."

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Media Matters

Things were afoot in the media, as usual but a few unique items caught our attention.  Take Kathy Tur of MSNBC pictured above.  She said.  "The people don't trust us."  Meaning the media or as we like to refer to them The Mass Hysteria.  She has come to this conclusion because a) she's in the media and on TV, so people must be yelling things at her when she walks around.  And b) the latest Gallup Poll that showed only 11 percent of the American people believe the Mass Hysteria.  She thinks this is a problem.  Now you would think that the rest of the Talking Heads in the Mass Hysteria would be chiming in on this but then, she's the only one.  No one else in the Mass Hysteria seems to have paid it much mind.  Then again maybe the Talking Heads don't believe the poll.  After all, polls are conducted by various elements in the Mass Hysteria.

Now Old Brains Biden has come down with the Kung Flu, despite four vaccine shots and walking around with a mask all the time. For those of you, you few, you precious few who are worried about Old Brains, he says he feels fine.  But then he's probably reading that off the teleprompter so you few, you precious few, maybe you should keep worrying.

Now a man in Colorado Barry Morphew, whose wife went missing back in May of 2020, copped a plea but not to anything related to her disappearance, like her murder.  No, he plead guilty to using her mail in ballot, to vote for Donald Trump.  And, people in this country think elections are legit.  But Barry Morphew said he had no idea that he couldn't use her ballot to vote for Trump.  His wife had wanted to vote for Trump and he figured The Donald could use the extra vote.  So, Barry knew his wife wouldn't mind or say anything either.

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Bill Clinton and The Interstellar Aliens

It seems that former President Bill Clinton showed up on the James Cordon Late Late show that airs after midnight, to tell how he sent agents into Area 51 to find out if interstellar Aliens had been coming to earth.  Our 42nd President felt that he, and all of us needed to know.  And, we think it's nice to find out that our 42nd President wasn't just sitting in the oval office getting BJ's and smoking a cigar but was hot on the case of interstellar Aliens coming to earth.  He even sent in his chief of staff John Podesta and his number one Minister of Plenipotentiary Sandy Berger, into area 51, to seek the truth.  This sort of reminds us of the Sci-fi movie 'Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter' where our 16th President is fighting the Civil War by day and killing Vampires by night.  They call these type of movies, mixed genre.  It's where you take two established movie genres like a Civil War movie and a Vampire movie and mix them together.  Another movie of this kind was 'Cowboys and Aliens' where they took a Western and threw in some interstellar Aliens.  They even had Daniel Craig aka James Bond, as one of the Cowboys.

Now you may wonder why Billy Bob Clinton would show up on TV and a Late Late show that airs after midnight.  Well we're kind of thinking that no one has been paying too much attention to ole Billy Bob anymore.  His antics as President that everyone thought were cute at the time, are not looked at in the same manner nowadays.  And maybe, just maybe he'd like people to see him in a different light.  Not the guy who "Did not have sexual relations with that woman." but then left the mess on her dress while smoking a cigar.  Maybe he'd like it if someone made a movie called.  'Bill Clinton Alien Hunter'.

We kind of see George Clooney or Harrison Ford or hell, ole Billy Bob could even play himself.  We think he's that good of an actor.  And, then maybe, well maybe, everyone would forget the mess on her dress, the BJ's and the cigar.

What do you think?

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