Not Quite Dead

The shocking news that hit last week, was Virginia Giuffre had only 4 days to live.  She'd been in a car that was going at 110k per hour and as she put it, "no matter what you hit at that speed it's not good."  And as a result of that car crash, she only had 4 days to live.  In case you forgot, which is easy to do nowadays, Virginia Giuffre was the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.  She was one of the underage, young girls that were sex trafficked by the infamous pair of Epstein/Maxwell.  And, just in case you forgot, there was the famous, no infamous picture, of Prince Andrew with his arm around Virginia, while they were both on the infamous, Epstein Island.  She took Prince Andrew down too, along with 12 million Pounds, British Sterling.  And, last week the bruised and battered face of Virginia Giuffre looked out at the world from her Instagram page, as if to say haven't I suffered enough?  And then her actual words.  "I only have 4 days to live"

Well it turns out it wasn't all that bad.  The 4 days have passed and she's not quite dead.  And, not due to die, anytime soon either.

And also in the news was the retirement of Johnny Mathis.  In case you don't remember, Johnny Mathis was a really big time, romantic singer from the 50's and 60's with many big hits and gold records.  He was so popular that he managed to keep drawing audiences though smaller, until he was 89.  Back in the day, they used to say that he caused more pregnancies than any singer who ever lived, as guys used to play his records to get their dates in the mood.  But at the age of 89, the strain of performing was just too much and Johnny said.  "That's enough."  And, this isn't a sad ending at all, as we're betting that a lot of you who remember him, are happy to learn that Johnny Mathis, just like Virginia Giuffre, is still alive and kicking.  And certainly, not quite dead.

And, Jordon Hudson just celebrated her 24th birthday.  Who you might ask?  Well she was a cheerleader.  But that was awhile ago.  No, she's in the news, as she is the girlfriend of 72 year old 6 time Super Bowl Champion, Head Coach, Bill Belichick.

After a few losing seasons and in spite of winning those 6 Super Bowls, The New England Patriots fired Bill Belichick..  You would think that a 72 year old, fired NFL Head Coach was finished, washed up, dead in the water.  But then along came Jordon Hudson.  Here they are together.

Then the University of North Carolina, hired him as their Head Coach.  And sometimes Colleges pay their Head Coaches, more than the NFL.  So here's another guy, who's not quite dead.  Not, by a long shot.

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Quiz Time

Yes it’s that time again. Time to see if you have been paying attention and if you have grasped what is going on in the world. Remember “Democracy dies in darkness.”

Question 1.

D.O.G.E. is

A. An old car company from the 20th century.

B. A game played by kids in the 1950’s.

C. Something you do on or about April 15th of every year.

D. None of the above.

Question 2.

As April 15th looms on the horizon, we’ve have found out that.

A. I.R.S. workers pay their taxes on time, just like you and me. Or as one I.R.S. employee said. “We’re no better than anyone else. We have a duty just like all Americans, to pay our taxes.”

B. They have until Christmas to file their own tax returns.

C. I.R.S. employees owe 45 million in back taxes. Or as one I.R.S. employee said. “We run the joint. If we don’t pay our taxes what are you going to do about it? Who are you going to call?”

D. Answers A and B but not C.

E. Answers A and C but not B.

Question 3

Disney’s latest live action remake of Snow White is

A. A movie that is breaking box office records and is better than the original.

B. A movie about a girl and an apple.

C. A movie about a girl and some short guys.

D. A movie that redefines what it means to be a girl, along with, some short guys and an apple.

E. A and C.

F. B and C.

Question 4

The Trump Administration inadvertently let a reporter listen in on a meeting that discussed the bombing of the Houthis in Yemen.

A. This is a serious breech of security because the Houthis now know who bombed them.

B. This is a serious breech of security because the Houthis now know which type of airplanes, bombed them.

C. This is not a such serious breech of security as a whole lot of the Houthis went on the get the 72 virgin package, so they never found out who bombed them. The could only guess.

D. A and B but not C.

E. B and C but not A.

F. All of the above.

This quiz was a little tough as there is more than one correct answer to some of the questions here. We like to do this because it forces the student to focus. Quizzes like life, are not fair.

Answers. Each correct answer is worth 25 points.

Question 1. Answer is D. This one was easy but maybe a little tricky, as there is only one D in D.O.G.E. Just like there is no I, in team.

Question 2. Answer is E, as both A and C are true. This one was a little tough, as the news reported that I.R.S. employees owe 45 million in back taxes but we assume that it wasn’t all of the I.R.S. employees. There are always people in any situation, who do the right thing. Even paying their taxes.

Question 3. Answer F. This was a little tough, as we didn’t bother to see the movie. But we do know that they kept the apple in this version and there are some short guys. Originally there were Dwarfs in the tale of Snow White but we’re not sure if we can use that term or if you can put actual Dwarfs in a movie nowadays. But we do know that the guys in the new movie are short. We could have or should have a more definitive question but then for that to happen, someone would have had to sit through the whole movie. So, give yourself 10 points for any answer you put down but only F, gets 25 points.

Question 4. Answer A, B, C, D, E & F. With all the crazy reporting on the matter, you can give yourself 25 points for any answer here. We’re tough task masters but we’re not heartless.

If you got 100, CONGRTUALTIONS! You’re a winner baby! We used to give out prizes but with the price of eggs nowadays, not to mention gas… We knew you would understand. So now, no prizes but the heartfelt knowledge, that you know what’s going on the world.

If you got anything less… Well this was a little tough, as there were multiple correct answers and fake news being what it is, trying to figure what’s actually going on in the world, is not so easy. If you were able to complete all the questions, give yourself a pat on the back.

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FUGGETTAABOUTTTITT!

Not since Who Shot J.R. has there been so much anticipation over the release of anything like there has been over the release, of the remaining JFK files.  Oh wait, most of you might not remember Who Shot J.R.?  There was this TV show called 'Dallas' and J.R. was the mega rich, shady, double dealing character, who got shot in the last episode of a season.  Everyone had to wait till the next season to find out if J.R. lived and Who Shot J.R.?  'Dallas' was the number 1, T.V. show back in the day, when that designation meant something.  Just about everyone in the country got into 'Who Shot J.R., including people who never watched the show.  Betting on the question of 'Who Shot J.R. grew rapidly and odds on the different characters in show, were set, just like it was the Superbowl.  Then office pools were set up as well.  Again, just like the Superbowl.  The betting was fierce and almost every office had a pool.  JFK, on the other hand, was the 35th President of the United States and he was assassinated in Dallas, no connection to the TV show, back on November 23, 1963.

At first, we were told and most everyone believed, that the assassination of JFK was the work of a lone gunman, Lee Harvey Oswald.  But a few years later the conspiracy theories began and they haven't stopped since.  We've always had our money on LBJ, who had been the Vice President but we're not into conspiracy theories, so we've never printed that before.  But now, with the release of all the files, we know...  Well... nothing.

And this after all these years of conspiracy theories on top of conspiracy theories.  Theories  like...  It was the C.I.A, the F.B.I, the Joint Chiefs, the Mafia, the Russians, Fidel Castro, Cuban Exiles, the Bay of Pigs survivors, the Watergate Burglars, All of the Above, Some of the Above and just about anyone else, you want to throw in there, like LBJ, our favorite.  And, even though there is nothing in this new release of the files, it won't stop the conspiracy theorists.  It will just whet their appetites.  They will see conspiracy in any mention of the aforementioned cohorts and others we and you have forgotten about.  Hell, the conspiracy theorists will see conspiracies in the smudges and coffee stains, left on the documents.

In the end, the President got assassinated.  Like it of not, everyone got over it.  Even Jackie his wife, who married a billionaire.  And, the rest of the Kennedys too, who went on to drive their cars, boats and planes into things just like they always did.  Rumor has it that they weren't too good, with wagons and carts back in the old country.

There is never going to be a note in any file that says.  'I shot the President from the Grassy Knoll.  Yours truly, Joe Meltzer.'  

It's going to be just like Who Shot J.R.?  Once everyone knew it was Kristen, his Sister-in-law/Mistress and all the bettors and the office pool winners were paid off, it was just one big FUGGETTAABOUTTITT!!!

So everyone, just FUGGETTAABOUTTITT!!!

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P.S. J.R. survived getting shot and went on to be the shady, double dealing character for quite a few more seasons of 'Dallas'.

Missing A Few Things

Now if you watched the President's speech the other night you could see a lot of the democrats holding up signs.  Some of them you couldn't read, as the print was too small or the powers that be, didn't want you to see them, so the camera didn't stay on them too long.  So, you might have missed a few things.

One sign said.  'Go Fund Me@#######'*

Another one said.  'Will work for food.'

And, still another said.  'Elon is my Daddy.'

Then there is the WOWTMSM or What Once Was The Main Stream Media.  ABC News now averages 6.69 million viewers a night.  NBC News 5.79 million, a night and CBS News 4.49  million a night.  Since the population of the US of A is 345 million people, those numbers are pretty bad.  But they get worse because among the coveted demographic, people aged 24 to 54, these news shows are only drawing; ABC 886,000 viewers, NBC 842,000 and CBS 638,000.  So if you're under 55 and that's over 99% of the country, whatever was on those shows, you missed.

And P. Diddy, Diddy, Puffy, Puffy Daddy, Puff, Love, Brother Love, Sean Combs stories have gone puff.  This after a veritable parade of indictments, lawsuits, stories of orgies, rapes, gang rapes, human trafficking, drugs, guns and all of it recorded, has run its course.  All the while P. Diddy rots away in the MDC in Brooklyn, proclaiming his innocence and awaiting his trial.  So, if you miss all the salacious P. Diddy, Diddy, Puffy, Puffy Daddy, Puff, Love, Brother Love, Sean Combs escapades, rest assured, he misses them too.

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 * Name of the site was REDACTED by The Editors.

Who?

Jeffrey Epstein files were released!  But well, what was there?  Flight logs and Jeffrey's contact list.  Stuff everyone's already seen and heard of.  And, we all know that just because someone flew on Jeffrey's plane or he had their phone number and email, doesn't mean anything.  So, there was much gnashing of teeth and finger pointing over what wasn't there.  Because what everyone wants to know, except for "certain people", is, who got serviced?

The "certain people" already know and they just don't want you to know, who got serviced.

What most people did not pay any attention to, was the list of recordings.  Seems like those recordings covered a very long time period because some are listed as VHS and then other various types of devices we've all used over the years, all the way through to micro disc recordings.  Now what everyone wants to see, are those recordings.  Because we'd all like to see, who got serviced.  And, preferably while they were getting serviced.

Is this an invasion of their privacy?  No, because these are people who never get tired of telling us what to think, how to live and who to vote for.  So, if they got caught in flagrante delicto, we'd like to see that too.  It would create a certain symmetry in our minds about them.

And, for those of you who are worried that seeing certain politicians, actors, celebrities of renown and Know-It-Alls in flagrante delicto, will in turn, bring down society as we know it...  Fugheettaaboutit!  

There isn't going to be anyone whose life measures up to a hill of beans or means diddly squat to your real life.  It's just going to be, some, of the usual suspects.

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Be Careful Elon

We were able to track down  Clyde Kiddlehopper because he'd written us a letter and he consented to an interview.

NYUGGE Just how old are you Mr. Kiddlehopper?

Mr. K.  I don't rightly know.  I can remember when the President got shot.

NYUGGE You mean President Kennedy?

Mr. K Oh no, no.  What was his name?  Gar something.

NYUGE You mean Garfield?

Mr. K Yeah yeah.  That was it.  But I was a little boy then,

NYUGGE That makes you like a 150 something.

Mr. K.  Sounds right.

NYUGGE Now we hope you don't mind us asking but do you collect Social Security?

Mr. K Of course.

NYUGE For how long?

Mr. K. Since they started sending out the checks in1940.

Then we interviewed Martha Strangelove.  She contacted us.

NYUGGE It's nice to meet you Ms. Strangelove.

Ms. S Thank you and it's Mrs.  Mr. has been gone a while but I'm a Mrs. not a Miss or Ms. anything.  And, you can call me Martha.

NYUGGE  If you don't mind us asking Martha how old are you?

Ms. Well I don't like to normally divulge my age but this is for something important.  I'm 175 years old.

NYUGGE  That means you were born in 1850?

Mrs. S  Yup.  I can remember when the President was shot.

NYUGGE  That was President...

Mrs. S.  Lincoln.  I was 15 then.  It was right about when the war ended.

NYUGGE  And do you collect Social Security?

Mrs. S  Of course since they started sending out the checks in 1940.

NYUGGE  Did your husband collect?

Mrs. S  Of course.  He still does.

NYUGGE  When did he pass away?

Mrs. S  Oh 1966.

NYUGGE  And you still get the checks?

Mrs. S  Of course.  Goes right into the bank every month along with mine.  Now let me tell this Elon something.  You better not mess around with my money.  I've got my shotgun. I'll come looking for you.  Some of us are what they call Senior Seniors and we need our money.  Try finding a job at my age.  And, don't forget we vote too.

So there you have it Elon right from the horses mouth, so to speak.  So be careful and don't let our Senior, Seniors down.  

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The Mail Is In

Every once in a while we get mail the old fashion way, snail mail, as it's called.  And, we feel duty bound to answer those, just as we answer all other comments.  If someone took the time to read our column and respond, we feel duty bound to answer.  Even if sometimes the writing is in crayon and hard to decipher.  There's too many to print here but rest assured everyone is answered.  Here are a few.

'Dear Nazis,

Don't you realize that the people in Gaza need condoms!  You idiots!  You are all idiots!  So, I will keep this simple for you.  Condoms = no babies.  No babies = no abortions.  And you should be happy with that!!!  And no babies means, no terrorists, as all terrorist were babies once.  

NAZIS!!! RIGHT WING NUTS!!!  IDIOTS!!!

In disgust, 

Karen ,Karen

Dear Karen, Karen,  We never thought of that.  Hmmm.

Sincerely, 

The Staff

'Dear Libtoid scum,

How dare you compare our President to Hitler!'  I would use some real curse words much stronger than scum but but I don't use such language.

Yours truly, 

Clyde Kididillhopper

Dear Clyde,  We just present the facts.  You decide.  

The Staff'

'Dear Whistling Past The Graveyard People'

Okay, okay keep making funny comparisons of Trump to Hitler but you'll see.  You'll be sorry.  You'll get yours'.

Seth Fallon

Dear Seth, 

Everyone gets what's coming to them.  We'll get ours.  You'll get yours.  But at least you saw the satire,  even if you failed to get a few laughs, which is the whole point here.

The Staff

Now this one was in crayon but we re printed it out so you would be able to read it.

DEER LAMbains,

It tak me 2 weeks to calm dwn enough to rite this.  OW dar U say the Mainstreet medya is threw?  I stll wach it evry nite.  Wha pruff do u ave?

F U

Charyly

Dear Charyly,

Check the ratings.

Thank you.

The Staff

And to everyone keep those comments, emails and yes even letters coming in.

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Things You Never Thought Of

"If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to

Why don't you go where fashion sits?
Puttin' on the Ritz
Different types who wear a day coat
Pants with stripes and cutaway coat, perfect fits
Puttin' on the Ritz

Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)"*

This is from an old song, so if its unfamiliar, it's all good.  And this is also a picture at the top of this column from the guy who sang it, Fred Astaire.  You can see also see that it's from an old black and white movie.  Also Gary Cooper was a very elegant looking actor who you also probably never heard of.  But you get the picture.  People getting dressed up and going out on the town.  That's a universal in any generation, which brings us to our point here, who ever thought of doing this in Gaza?  Bet you never did.

And, the revelations are astounding!  USAID spent 50 million dollars for condoms in Gaza.  Then they spent  another 2.5 million to fund EVs in Viet Nam.  Of course there's a whole bunch of other stuff.  You can look it up too.  But we're a little constricted by space here and again, you get the picture.  Now are we the only ones thinking that the 50 million never got to Gaza?  We mean how could anyone spend 50 million dollars on condoms?  They don't cost that much and there aren't that many people in Gaza who need condoms.  Also, are we alone in wondering if the 2.5 million ever got to anyone in Viet Nam?  I know we've been called cynics before but we cant' help but wonder if these entities, were ever real?  Are you or anyone else thinking that?

Now all this stuff is about waste, fraud and scandal that no one ever knew about.  But do you know what the rest of the government is doing with your money?  We mean even the  things that are legitimate, supposedly.  Who gets paid?  And, we don't just mean the employees but all the contractors that Federal, State and City governments hire.  We like to call this what are they doing over there at the Department of Agriculture?  We're sure if you look it up there will be a nice mission statement and some paragraphs describing what they do.  But like what are the employees doing over there, when they show up to work?  We could repeat this question for The Department of Energy and just about every government, Federal, State and City, agency.  We don't know.  We're not smarter than you.  Bet you never thought of asking though.  We never mentioned it before because we're pretty sure the idea, would have fallen on deaf ears  But now...  Well, maybe, people will start to wonder.

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*Irving Berlin

Redux

Redux definition: things revived or brought back.

1. Since Donald John Trump is the President again and we've been told by his detractors that he's like Hitler so many times, we feel compelled to trot out the comparisons, again.

A. Both men were shot in the head.  DJT's ear got nicked and Hitler, well...  It was his last official act.  That, and biting on the cyanide pill.

B. Both men were re-elected, except for Hitler.  Hitler was one and done.  See paragraph A.

C. Both men's first wives died.  Trump and his first wife Ivanna were married for 13 years and they had three children together, before getting divorced.  She died 32 years later at the age of 73 when she fell in her home.  Eva Braun Hitler, took a cyanide pill the day after her wedding.  There were no children.  

BTW DJT 45 and 47, has had three wives.  Hitler only had one wife.  Again, he was one and done.

2. And the Kansas City Chiefs are headed to the Super Bowl once again.  This makes it the third time in a row.  No, team in the Super Bowl's 58 year history, has ever won three in a row.  That would make a helluva headline and great publicity for the NFL.  So much so, that some people are saying the Zebras, aka NFL referees, have been assisting the Chiefs, in this endeavor.  Throwing penalty flags to help the Chiefs, in their playoff games.  We don't know if that's true but we're not betting on the Eagles to win the game and neither should you.  We suggest if you bet, bet the over/under, how long it will take for the National Anthem to be sung or how many times the camera goes to Taylor Swift.  The Zebras can't throw flags for those things.

3. And the Kennedys and the term Camelot have been linked once again.  For those of you too young to remember or know, then First Lady Jaqueline Kennedy compared her husband JFK's administration to that of the mythical, enchanted Kingdom of King Arthur.  There was a big hit Broadway musical at the time about the legendary King Arthur with beautiful music, called Camelot.  This time around though, the music isn't so romantic.  Seems the Kennedy clan are furious at RFK Jr because he campaigned for DJT, 45,47 and is up for Secretary of HHS in DJT's administration.  So there is great discord in this latest rendition of Camelot.  We mean how would you feel if a member of your family went to work for Hitler?  See number 1.

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"Death Be Not Proud"*

On November 21, 1963 President Kennedy was assassinated.  The nation went into shock and then mourning.  To the Baby Boomers who were all young back then, that date November 21, 1963, echoes in their minds.  Then they lost Elvis and later John Lennon and the dates of their passings are also dutifully noted.  To the Gen Xers it was Michael Jackson, then later, Prince, both painfully and too soon, gone.  And now for Gen Z, it is January 19th, 2025, the day, Tik Tock, went dark.

And they thought he was dead, especially when the bullet almost took his head off, but no.  No, he's baaaacccckkkkk!  That's Donald John Trump, HLH (He's like Hitler) HIAH (He Is A Hero) 45th and now 47th President of the United States.  For the people who hate him their nightmare has come to fruition.  For those of us who weigh in on the trials and tribulations of the world, he is a blessing.  He says outrageous stuff.  He tweets!  He drives his opponents crazy.  Everything is a headline with an exclamation point or points.  Joe, Old Brains Biden on the other hand, is dead.  He's still walking around mouthing things.  No, that's not an AI version of him talking, although at this point, that might be a good idea.  But he's done and gone, dead.  They just haven't told him yet.  They will though, just like they did, when they told him he wasn't running again.

And is WOWTMSM (What Once Was The Main Stream Media) dead?  First it was Fox News paying 787 million.  Then it was ABC News paying out 15 million.  Now it's CNN paying out 5 million with millions more to come, as the jury is now weighing punitive damages.  So, they have not only been lying, they gone way beyond that, they've been defaming people.  But for how long and how many people?  Is this just the tip of the iceberg with many more lawsuits to come?  And will this finally put a stake through the heart of WOWTMSM?  Already Podcasts have surpassed them in audience by the millions, many, many millions.  And, if this be their death, then maybe death, should be proud, very proud.

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* John Donne

Biblical?

People are saying that the wildfires in L.A. are biblical.  Well, they are certainly biblical in their force and destruction.  But are people saying and we're wondering...   We mean why would anyone, let alone you know who?  Be mad enough at L.A., to bun it down?

And there is no water.  We mean when we first saw the fires we were wondering and we're sure you were too, that since water puts out fire, why don't they put the fires out?  Maybe not an oil fire but a forest fire like these, well water puts those out for sure.  But it turns out they don't have water or enough water.  So who's fault is that?  Certainly not you know who?

And the Mayor of L.A. Karen Bass when confronted by reporters just went dumb.  Something, we don't think we've ever see a politician of any kind, ever, do.  She just stood there unable to answer the obvious questions and unable to utter a sound of any kind.   But she did not turn into a pillar of salt.  And, even though she had just flown back from Africa, we're pretty sure she had looked back at L.A. by that point.

So on the biblical question, we're kind of thinking, naah.

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Lost And Found

Two men searching for Sasquatch deep in the woods of Washington State went missing and later, were found dead.  Authorities say they died of exposure, as they probably got lost and succumbed to the elements.  We can't help but wonder, if maybe, Sasquatch, found them first.

And the tension mounted as the votes rolled in and that question was, will Speaker of the House Mike Johnson keep his job?  Of course he found a few votes and got the Speakership but according to Mass Hysteria, the tension was real.  But this is nothing like you or anyone else you know, ever, losing their job.  You know trying to figure out how to pay the bills, keep a roof over your head and food on the table.  No, Mike Johnson, if had he lost his job as Speaker, would still be a member of the House from 4th District of Louisiana.  And better still, draw a salary and of course keep his net worth.  And that net worth is...  Drum roll please, 6 million dollars!  

So bad as he might feel, he could go home and just look at his bank account.  Oh wait, Mike Johnson says he doesn't have a bank account.  No, according to him his salary and all his money, goes to his wife.  That begs the question, how much is she worth?  And the answer is...  Another drum roll please, 10 million dollars!  So, even if he lost his job as Speaker, this would have been, 'don't cry for me Louisiana, the truth is, I got 16 million dollars and I would never leave you'.*  And that is especially apropos, as a lot of the Johnson's millions, are tied up in real estate, Louisiana real estate.

And Rapper 2 Low, what you never heard of him?  Well he's a Rap artist and as you know it helps if you're a Gangsta while being a Rap artist and all Gangsta's have to have guns.  This goes back, way back to Little Ricco.  So he's getting interviewed on a Podcast and his gun goes off.  It's in his pants.  Lucky for him it only shot a hole in his pocket so he's still 2 Low not 1 or 0 Low.  The whole scene plays as a good advertisement for Gun Safety lessons.  But sometimes when you don't lose something, it's as good as if, you found something.

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* With apologies to Andrew Llyod Webber and Tim Rice